Growing Pains

The whole first trimester of pregnancy, I stayed confused about if I had a baby bump yet or not. I would look in the mirror one day and say, "Oh, I'm definitely showing now!" and then the next morning I would wake up and my belly would be flat again! Apparently, my belly fluctuated a lot based on whether I was bloated or had just eaten a meal and then would go back to normal. Now that I'm in the 2nd trimester (19 weeks and 1 day to be exact), I can definitely say that I am indeed showing and this baby bump has shown no signs of going away!

While this is all very exciting and makes the fact that there is a little baby girl growing in there even more of a reality, growing a baby bump gives me mixed emotions. I remember back when I was about 8 or 9 weeks pregnant. I was at work and it was the end of the day. I was very bloated and my pants felt like they were going to cut me in two while I sat at my desk finishing up some work. It suddenly occurred to me that soon I would no longer be able to wear my pre-pregnancy clothes. I burst out crying and my co-worker, Anne - whose cube is across from mine - rushed over to see what was wrong. With much horror-stricken emotion (and frankly, a lot of embarrassment for my vanity), I cried out, "I'm going to get so fat!" Of course, there's not much you can say to that because, yes, my body will be changing a lot throughout the course of this pregnancy and I will weigh more than I ever have before. It's just in that moment it really hit me that I really don't have control over my weight and my body during this pregnancy.

I've never had an issue keeping weight off and the few times I've put on a few extra pounds, I quickly adjusted my meal portions for a few weeks and voila! I easily came back down to a weight I'm comfortable with. I guess that's why it's difficult for me to look in the mirror and see my body change so much - packing on pounds has always been one of my worst nightmares.

I know that weight and body image is something that all women deal with constantly, so I know I'm not alone here. I'm not sure why it's so ingrained in our sense of identity, but I know it started for me at a very young age. When I was very young - oh maybe 7 or 8? - my mom let me buy an interactive diary at the book fair at school. One of the questions in the diary was, "What do you fear most about your future?" My answer? "That I will get too big." Yep, as a wee, scrawny little elementary girl, I was already fearful of being overweight! (sigh)

I really wanted to end this on a positive note, but alas I bought a few more maternity clothes today so the sad feelings are still so very fresh. I'll just wrap up by saying that even though it's upsetting, I know in my heart that this little girl will be worth it all and I'm thankful for a husband that tells me I'm beautiful and sexy even when I don't see it myself!